strange & lovely.

This is a post that I wrote in April 2014. 

Over 8 months ago.

It is brutually honest.

I am proud of who I've become since then.

& I love the woman I was back then.

Hindsight is everything, but I never discount how I feel because feelings are the truest thing I own.

♥♥♥

{via}

 i have no idea what to write anymore.

and it's not that i'm out of words.

no, i think i'll always have plenty to say.

maybe it's that i'm tired.

maybe i'm exhausted from the past 5 months.

from the past 25 years.

tired of waiting to feel a certain way.

tired of waiting to look a certain way.

to be a certain way.

i have been working hard these past 5 months.

working hard to earn money and a degree.

working hard to discover things about myself.

working hard to decide what i want.

working hard is not easy.

i have been more sad than not.

i have been more tired than not.

i have been more confused than not.

more disappointed than not.

more restless than ever.

i have felt mostly alone in all of this.

i think i've mostly always felt alone in my feelings & thoughts.

i have been burning bridges everywhere i turn.

and i long for a place that actually feels safe.

i want a home somewhere away from all of these memories.

i want to be surrounded by new things and new people.

i feel trapped by old habits.

and each time i think change is coming, it fades quickly and i'm reminded of reality.

like the reality that my mother will always question my choices.

that she will never understand my heart.

that she will always want more than i can give her.

reality is that my father will always be distant & un-affectionate.

that i will never be what he wants me to be.

that he will never give his approval.

that he will never fight to protect my heart.

reality is that it will take years and much more hard work to undo my unhealthy relationship with food.

and with myself.

that unless i change my inner thoughts and feelings,

food will always be an escape.

and my addiction to it will always be there, lurking.

that each time i feed my sadness, it appears on my waist.

and my love of fashion and shopping are mocked by my inability to control myself.

reality is that i will never feel comfortable around my family.

that i dread the time when i will be forced to see them.

at funerals.

what a horrible time that will be.

and what a horrible way to think of it all.

reality is that my brother is a stranger.

completely and absolutely.

and as the years pass, the good memories fade more and more.

i hate when people ask about him.

i do not know about him or his family.

because i do not know him.

reality is that i have no real friends to confide in.

that the pang of hurt when you realize that you aren't included, doesn't stop after grade school.

and the desire to be included never goes away.

but you do learn to tread carefully and you learn to keep them at a distance.

reality is that i have to take time each day to remind myself that this relationship is not the same.

that the things that are similar are my fault.

and how can that not make me feel flawed?

reality is that i will never hit publish on this post because i don't want YOU reading these real feelings.

because maybe you don't deserve to know how i feel.

today i am sad.

i am 25 and i feel sad.

and i know this won't last and i know that i am brave and strong.

and that i need to make changes.

and the ones that i have made make me proud.

and the core of who i am is Hailey Brooke Reed.

and she is brave.

and she is sad.

and that is ok.

♥

and i am going to hit publish after all.