it makes me sad and bothers me more than i care to admit.
i find myself wondering if i could have, should have, done things differently.
the list is long.
it grows longer each year.
i hate that i even keep this list.
normally i love lists.
but not this one.
i remember the exact moment when i started the list.
somewhere in the middle of high school.
i wish i could go back and love myself more instead.
somehow, quite recently, some additions to the list were shocking.
additions that i believe no list like this should ever contain.
realistically i know that everyone could create a list like mine.
but i don't wish that on anyone.
i never want my daughter to make this list.
i want to teach her that no such list matters enough to even form.
i want her to know that new additions to this list are not mistakes, but life lessons, shaping her into the person she is meant to be.
i want her to know that only one list matters.
and that this other list is a roadblock and a mind trap.
and that this other list is a roadblock and a mind trap.
so because it's time, and my future self and family needs me to be brave, i am throwing away this list.
it's gone. and i trust that time will heal the hurt it's brought me.
instead of thinking about the this painful list ---- of people i've offended, of friends and family i've "lost", of people who don't like me, i am going to work on other lists.
the list of things i love about myself.
the list of people who are unaffected by my imperfections.
the list of why i am enough.
the list of people who love me.
and i hope you'll do the same.