how i love myself.

♥

take selfies.

define my OWN beauty.

snuggle my loved ones.

hang up christmas lights - leave them on all day long.

listen to the same cd over and over until i know every word (1989).

blog.

maintain the belief that i deserve honesty, good things, rest, & happiness.

strange & lovely.

This is a post that I wrote in April 2014. 

Over 8 months ago.

It is brutually honest.

I am proud of who I've become since then.

& I love the woman I was back then.

Hindsight is everything, but I never discount how I feel because feelings are the truest thing I own.

♥♥♥

{via}

 i have no idea what to write anymore.

and it's not that i'm out of words.

no, i think i'll always have plenty to say.

maybe it's that i'm tired.

maybe i'm exhausted from the past 5 months.

from the past 25 years.

tired of waiting to feel a certain way.

tired of waiting to look a certain way.

to be a certain way.

i have been working hard these past 5 months.

working hard to earn money and a degree.

working hard to discover things about myself.

working hard to decide what i want.

working hard is not easy.

i have been more sad than not.

i have been more tired than not.

i have been more confused than not.

more disappointed than not.

more restless than ever.

i have felt mostly alone in all of this.

i think i've mostly always felt alone in my feelings & thoughts.

i have been burning bridges everywhere i turn.

and i long for a place that actually feels safe.

i want a home somewhere away from all of these memories.

i want to be surrounded by new things and new people.

i feel trapped by old habits.

and each time i think change is coming, it fades quickly and i'm reminded of reality.

like the reality that my mother will always question my choices.

that she will never understand my heart.

that she will always want more than i can give her.

reality is that my father will always be distant & un-affectionate.

that i will never be what he wants me to be.

that he will never give his approval.

that he will never fight to protect my heart.

reality is that it will take years and much more hard work to undo my unhealthy relationship with food.

and with myself.

that unless i change my inner thoughts and feelings,

food will always be an escape.

and my addiction to it will always be there, lurking.

that each time i feed my sadness, it appears on my waist.

and my love of fashion and shopping are mocked by my inability to control myself.

reality is that i will never feel comfortable around my family.

that i dread the time when i will be forced to see them.

at funerals.

what a horrible time that will be.

and what a horrible way to think of it all.

reality is that my brother is a stranger.

completely and absolutely.

and as the years pass, the good memories fade more and more.

i hate when people ask about him.

i do not know about him or his family.

because i do not know him.

reality is that i have no real friends to confide in.

that the pang of hurt when you realize that you aren't included, doesn't stop after grade school.

and the desire to be included never goes away.

but you do learn to tread carefully and you learn to keep them at a distance.

reality is that i have to take time each day to remind myself that this relationship is not the same.

that the things that are similar are my fault.

and how can that not make me feel flawed?

reality is that i will never hit publish on this post because i don't want YOU reading these real feelings.

because maybe you don't deserve to know how i feel.

today i am sad.

i am 25 and i feel sad.

and i know this won't last and i know that i am brave and strong.

and that i need to make changes.

and the ones that i have made make me proud.

and the core of who i am is Hailey Brooke Reed.

and she is brave.

and she is sad.

and that is ok.

♥

and i am going to hit publish after all.

only as you can.

{via}

♥

the list.

i am sorry about the list.

it makes me sad and bothers me more than i care to admit.

i find myself wondering if i could have, should have, done things differently.

the list is long.

it grows longer each year.

i hate that i even keep this list.

normally i love lists.

but not this one.

i remember the exact moment when i started the list.

somewhere in the middle of high school.

i wish i could go back and love myself more instead.

somehow, quite recently, some additions to the list were shocking.

additions that i believe no list like this should ever contain. 

realistically i know that everyone could create a list like mine.

but i don't wish that on anyone.

i never want my daughter to make this list.

i want to teach her that no such list matters enough to even form.

i want her to know that new additions to this list are not mistakes, but life lessons, shaping her into the person she is meant to be.

i want her to know that only one list matters.
and that this other list is a roadblock and a mind trap.

so because it's time, and my future self and family needs me to be brave, i am throwing away this list.

it's gone. and i trust that time will heal the hurt it's brought me.

instead of thinking about the this painful list ---- of people i've offended, of friends and family i've "lost", of people who don't like me, i am going to work on other lists.

the list of things i love about myself.

the list of people who are unaffected by my imperfections.

the list of why i am enough.

the list of people who love me.

and i hope you'll do the same. 

melody beattie - the language of letting go.

WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT ANY BETTER THAN WE CAN ------EVER.

DO OUR BEST FOR THE MOMENT, THEN LET IT GO.

IF WE HAVE TO REDO IT, WE CAN DO OUR BEST IN ANOTHER MOMENT, LATER.

WE CAN NEVER DO MORE OR BETTER THAN WE ARE ABLE TO DO AT THE MOMENT.

WE PUNISH OURSELVES AND MAKE OURSELVES FEEL CRAZY BY EXPECTING MORE THAN OUR REASONABLE BEST FOR NOW.

STRIVING FOR EXCELLENCE IS A POSITIVE QUALITY.

STRIVING FOR PERFECTION IS SELF-DEFEATING.

DID SOMEONE TELL US OR EXPECT US TO DO OR GIVE OR BE MORE?

DID SOMEONE WITHHOLD APPROVAL?

THERE COMES A TIME WHEN WE FEEL WE HAVE DONE OUR BEST.

WHEN THAT TIME COMES, LET IT GO.

THERE ARE DAYS WHEN OUR BEST IS LESS THAN WE HOPED FOR.

LET THOSE TIMES GO TOO.

START OVER TOMORROW.

WORK THINGS THROUGH, UNTIL OUR BEST BECOMES BETTER.

THERE IS A TIME FOR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, BUT IF THAT'S ALL WE GIVE OURSELVES, WE'LL GIVE UP.

EMPOWERING AND COMPLIMENTING OURSELVES WILL NOT MAKE US LAZY. 

IT WILL NURTURE US AND ENABLE US TO GIVE, DO, AND BE OUR BEST.

TODAY I WILL DO MY BEST, THEN LET IT GO. 

GOD, HELP ME STOP CRITICIZING MYSELF SO I CAN START APPRECIATING HOW FAR I'VE COME. 

♥

the woman i want to be.

when i wrote the title of this post,
(all but two seconds ago....)
i named it the "girl" i want to be.

but even that wasn't good enough.

"E N O U G H"

the word that haunts me and has for years.
the word i never am.
the word i never WAS.

i am enough.

the phrase that provides me with more strength than any other.
the truth.
the only thing that should matter to me is how i feel about myself.
and truthfully?
most days i come up lacking.
and because of the old phrase that pounded through my thoughts,
i often feel a sense of hopelessness.

and here, on this, MY corner of the internet, i stand to say that the woman i want to be does not yet exist.
but the woman i dream of becoming is often the one i portray online.

she is confident.
full of self love.
healthy.
brave.
honest.
KIND.
bold.
& knows exactly who she is and does NOT apologize for that woman through any words, THOUGHTS or actions.

in other words, she is perfect.

and i am here to say, she does not exist.
nor will she ever.

who i am today is enough.
and it will always be.
and as i work so very hard to become more, i know that change will occur.

that my rampant insecurities will each be replaced with a vote of confidence, in myself.
that i will replace all of my self-loathing thoughts with nothing but those of self-love.
that my love for myself will be apparent as i stand with my mouth closed, just being ME.
that my need to numb my emotions with food, books, and tv dramas, will become a thing of the past as i continue to learn about and find passion in becoming healthy. that being healthy will become my way of life, and not just something to dream about.
that my bravery will not be at the expense of others. ever.
that my honesty won't either.
that being kind will come naturally and won't ever seem forced through fake smiles or insincere comments.
that being bold will only occur if i am fighting to love myself even more.
that i won't just SAY i know who i am, but i will ACT like it.

that one day i can show people through my actions what it means to be SURE.

but until then, my hard work will be enough.
as it always has been.

♥

""Love where you are." A perfect reminder when things are hard to not spend your time looking ahead pleading for things to be over and things to be different. But just to stop. Stop looking backwards. Stop yearning and waiting forwards. Today, where you are right now, is a joy. Because today, right now, is the best place to be. Because happiness does await us in this day. No matter what we have, or don't have—no matter what we can do, or can't do— good times or bad, joy comes now. Happiness is in today."

{via}

♥